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Hot letters – mastering your emotions…

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The internet is flooded with posts talking about the power of positive thinking and the law of attraction – who hasn’t been bombarded with ‘positive vibes only’ posts? But it’s not a new thing – even going back to the year 300 BC the Stoics touted the benefits of managing your emotions and the discipline of perception. And there’s nothing wrong with this, unless like me, you unwittingly supress your emotions.

And we often don’t realise we’re doing it. For example, I have a disagreement with someone, and in the moment I feel a flood of anger, but also know the futility of arguing, so I look for a different solution, a compromise or perhaps I just walk away from it. In my rational mind I know this is a more enlightened way to behave, arguing solves nothing, and besides we’re probably both right to some degree…

Putting your emotions in a box won’t solve anything
That’s where some people leave it, they move on and think about something else. But this can come back to bite you…it can leave you in a rather uncomfortable place days or sometimes months later when you notice you’re a bit down, feel like crying or you absolutely lose it with someone over something relatively minor and have no idea why.

Well, it turns out that’s a build-up of suppressed emotions. Suppressing your emotions means you’re literally putting them in a box over there and importantly, not acknowledging how you feel – that uncomfortable sensation of anger, annoyance, or injustice, for example. After a while of doing this, you eventually run out of room to push any more emotions down and finally they erupt to the surface. Most people also fail to connect this eruption to the earlier, incremental incidents of emotional stockpiling.

The true meaning of stoicisim
The Stoics understood the power of not reacting to knee-jerk emotions (usually the first angry or negative emotions evoked by a situation) but focused on building the fortitude to wade through an unpleasant emotion instead. This included reframing or telling a different story about incidents to lessen their emotional impact. But to truly achieve letting go of a knee-jerk emotion you have to feel it first then, and only then, can you let it go. Miss out this important step and you’ve put an emotion in a box.

No need to send the ‘hot letter’
It’s well known that whenever Abraham Lincoln was angry with someone, he’d write a ‘hot letter’ telling them exactly what he thought of them…which he would then never send. He’d put it to one side and let his emotions cool. Writing the letter allowed him to vent his knee-jerk emotions in the moment and he was then able to consider the situation from a more balanced standpoint later on.

If you want to give writing an ‘hot letter’ a go, here are some emotive statements to help get you started:

  • I feel furious when/about…
  • I hate it when…
  • You are a complete and utter…
  • I feel sad when…

Why pride isn’t just for Pride month

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I remember camping with my family when I was about eleven or twelve, waking up one morning in our tent, and admitting to myself that I was gay. Blood rushed to my head, and in a mortified panic, I promised myself that I would never tell anyone this secret for the rest of my life.

At twenty-two, pride feels like a second birthday, and my queerness feels like a gift. I have nurtured, fought for and protected this gift more than anything else I have ever received in my life.

I’ve heard people say that you shouldn’t let one part of your identity consume your whole existence. However, it’s hard to ignore the one facet of your life that other people solely define you by, whether you like it or not.

I’ve been told I was too gay in school and that I talked too much about being gay at university. In embracing my queerness, I still find I’m having to justify, dilute or amplify this part of my identity to please others. It’s hard to digest that the same people telling you that you’re too gay or not gay enough are the ones at pride parades drinking Malibu and coke, taking pictures with their friends and having a good time.

The reality is, being queer has become my whole life – and not just for one month or one parade a year.

Queer people stand in the face of adversity daily. Being queer transcends clothing. It’s in the way we talk, hold ourselves and communicate. So let’s get one thing straight (excuse the pun) – regardless of our clothing, haircuts and outward expression, queer people are still being marginalised and discriminated against.

Many of the queer people I know, including myself, moved to London in hopes of finding themselves at the epicentre of creativity, acceptance and opportunity. Whilst London doesn’t fall short of its promises, homophobia, transphobia and racism run rampant in North, East, South and West.

Many turn a blind eye to day to day stories of hate crime, because we’ve fought for and been awarded our rights, right?

Time and time again this mentality is disrupted by major horror stories making the news, bringing back into sharp focus the reality that many queer folk face. In October, the BBC reported a 20% increase in homophobic hate crimes during the year and even more alarmingly that reports had tripled in five years. And, while it’s true homophobic attacks have been woefully underreported in the past, it doesn’t account for the magnitude in increases.

Tragically, it doesn’t always make the news either. We’re still marching for our BAME trans brothers and sisters in central London because they’re losing their lives and it remains unreported by any major news outlets.

On the surface, your queer/BAME friends may seem fine, but each has probably experienced some form of discrimination within the last month.

On the surface, your queer/BAME friends, the drag queens you see performing at Heaven and the trendy gay guy that made you your oat latte in Gail’s may seem fine, but each has probably experienced some form of discrimination, homophobia or racism within the last month.

When I got back to work after the world went into lockdown, I was called a faggot by four young teenagers at my part-time retail job. Not only is this personally humiliating, but it’s also worrying.

The boys were maybe sixteen or seventeen and I’m twenty-two. I naively hoped (and hope) the younger generations would be more socially aware than my own generation, and that their queer peers would be more comfortable than I was growing up. It goes to show that visibility and education are still essential for queer people to be accepted in society, not only in London but across the world.

But should we, the queer community, be the ones doing the educating?

No.

Why should it still be our responsibility in 2021?

That’s what we’d like to say of course, and that’s what we should encourage. The reality is, we’re still our biggest supporters and to see the change we must be the ones to actively make it. And to our allies, we can spot the Malibu and Coke drinking parade-goers from the genuine activists and change-makers. We see and appreciate you.

Pride is a great opportunity to be visible, online and in person. Although every day is an opportunity to be visible, we’re not always comfortable doing so and that’s fine. Everyone has their own individual way of contributing to the community, big or small, and each is valid. Ultimately, we all have a responsibility to make our voices louder and to defend EVERYONE in our community. Report instances of homophobia, share stories with your work colleagues and friends, let people know it’s not all rainbows and RuPaul’s drag race.

Pride isn’t just for pride month, pride is every day for us.

The case for staycations

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With everything that’s happened over the last few months many of us have seen our original holiday plans postponed or cancelled altogether. And with loads of flights cancelled and some hotels remaining shut or operating at reduced capacity, our traditional idea of the summer getaway has all but disappeared.

But this doesn’t mean you can’t get away. Far from it. Step forward the staycation.

We usually look to holidays to give us a break from routine, time off work and the chance to relax or explore somewhere new. These are things that can all be done with a staycation. And if the weather’s anything like it has been in parts of the UK recently then it could feel like you’re abroad too.

What are the benefits of a staycation?
Our home nations across the UK are often some of the most desirable to visit by tourists and they regularly score highly in travel guides of must-visit destinations. As well as giving you the opportunity to be a tourist and explore your own town, city, or country with fresh eyes, there are loads of other benefits staycations have over traditional foreign holidays.

Flexibility
Staycations are traditionally a bit closer to home than your usual long-haul trips abroad. This means as well as being able to speak the language, you also have a bit more flexibility in terms of when you come and go. Travelling by public transport will give you more options than flying, and the majority of bus and train tickets can be bought on the day. Although cheap deals can usually be found if you plan ahead and book in advance.

If you’re travelling by car you’ll have even more flexibility to come and go as you please. No rushing to the airport for delayed flights, you can take your time and even stop off for lunch wherever you want. There are no luggage limits either, so you can pack that extra pair of jeans or shoes. And depending on where you’re staying, you can even take your pets with you too.

For those of you who love the great outdoors and don’t mind a bit of adventure, then camping gives you even more freedom. And that’s not to mention the health benefits spending time in nature provides too. But if you are wild camping make sure you take all your rubbish with you and leave only footprints.

Reduces your carbon footprint
Air travel is a huge contributor to global emissions, with a one-way flight from London to New York emitting one ton of carbon dioxide per passenger! Travelling locally, or even cross-country, by public transport can be much better for the environment, and in turn your health with less air pollution being produced.

Staycations also give us the opportunity to rediscover the joy of the journey. When flying over countries by plane we miss out on the experiences we can have when travelling through quiet towns, peaceful villages and vibrant cities. It also gives you the opportunity to connect with a place and the people, and there’s no substitute for local knowledge, so you might just end up discovering another hidden gem.

The rise of this slow travel and responsible backpacking in recent years is primarily in response to rising carbon emissions and over-tourism. By opting for staycations and travelling through places you might find you have even more great experiences.

And for the cycling enthusiasts among you, why not give bikepacking a go – packing your bike with everything you need and pedalling to a new place or to explore some beautiful scenery.

Supports the local economy
Depending on how you travel and where you stay, staycations can offer a cheaper alternative to going abroad. The rise of bikepacking and wild camping can drastically reduce your travel and accommodation costs. But the money you do spend in the local economy stays there. Research shows that £10 spent with a local independent shop can result in up to an additional £50 going back into the local economy through circulation and re-spending in the local community.

We’ve embraced the staycation in our team with people holidaying a little closer to home in the Northwest Highlands in Scotland, Malham Cove in the Lake District, Truro in Cornwall, and Woolacombe in Devon. Let us know if you’ve been on a staycation and share your hints and tips in the comments.

An Easter to remember! Some fun ideas for a lockdown family Easter

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For many of us, Easter is usually a time to unwind with family, catch up with loved ones and enjoy some quality time together. But Easter 2020 is no ordinary Easter. We’ve been in ‘lockdown’ for three weeks and for some, holiday plans won’t be as hoped and the kids (and for that matter, parents too!) are ready for a break!

But Easter gives us a great opportunity to focus on something a little different, with loads of resources out there to help us entertain the kids and make this time together special and memorable. Here’s a few suggestions for things to do this Easter:

Get baking! Don the aprons and raid the cupboards – there’s so many things you can make together no matter what your level of culinary expertise is (pretty low here!), from colourful Easter biscuits and chocolate nests to hot cross buns and Easter simnel cake if you’re feeling adventurous! There are lots of great recipes available at www.bbcgoodfood.com/recipes/collection/easter-baking to suit everybody’s needs.

No Easter would be complete without an Easter egg hunt! Without doubt my daughters’ favourite Easter tradition (I wonder why!) and it’s easy to set up – but you can make it as easy or as complicated as you like depending on the age of your kids (or how much energy you want to put into it!), what space you have available give current restrictions (and the weather!), and how much chocolate you want them to consume! There are some great options to help you which are available in the supermarkets and also online at www.dayoutwiththekids.co.uk/blog/10-easter-egg-hunt-ideas-free-easter-egg-hunt-kit, www.madeformums.com/school-and-family/easter-egg-hunt-clues/ and www.thepurplepumpkinblog.co.uk/easter-egg-hunt-kit-free-printables/

Feeling creative? There’s so many ways to get crafty and creative at Easter and it’s one of my favourite times of the year for this because there’s so much inspiration around – whether you want to make an Easter bonnet, create colourful Easter pictures or get interactive online, you’ll be able to keep the kids happy for hours! Some of our favourites are www.thepurplepumpkinblog.co.uk/free-easter-printables/ and www.wiseoceans.com/dive-into-the-classroom/eggcellent-easter-activities/ for something a bit different.

Games for all the family – why not play some games, especially if the weather’s nice and we can get outside in the garden! You could have a family egg and spoon race (with real, decorated eggs, if you dare!), create an obstacle course or head back indoors and play some family board games.

Whatever you’re doing this Easter, we hope you have a relaxing and fun time together (even if some of it is via video call!) – and stay safe. We’d love to see your pictures – share what you got up to in the comments.

‘Twas the night before Christmas

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‘Twas the night before Christmas, and a time to reflect

On a year of big spending, but savings neglect.
The stockings were stuffed with all kinds of treats
From trinkets and baubles to delectable sweets.
The fam would be happy for Christmas Day present
But what of the future, and what of retirement?

With so much expense in everyday living
It’s tough to make plans for my future wellbeing –
With bills and my kids and a new loft extension
There isn’t much left to save more in my pension.
But just one percent could make some difference
And ease my reliance on State Pension assistance.

This year my bonus dissolved in a flash
On a weekend away and a cartload of trash.
Maybe next year I should stash it away
Into a pension for my future ‘one day’.
My Company pays in and so can I
Government tax relief will also apply.

It’s never too late to invest in yourself,
And start looking after your financial health.
Think not of the now and money misspent
Instead try to find that elusive percent.
You might suffer now a little resentment
But you’ll gift the ‘old you’ the best kind of present.

Gifting friendship to the elderly this Christmas

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If you’re anything like me, you’re already imagining spending the festive season surrounded by your family and friends, enjoying all kinds of splendid treats.

Half a million older people here in the UK face the prospect of spending Christmas Day alone.

And even if you don’t celebrate Christmas, you may take the opportunity to eat, drink and be merry with your nearest and dearest at some point over the next few weeks.

Sadly, this isn’t the case for nearly half a million older people here in the UK who face the prospect of spending Christmas Day alone, according to research by charity Contact the Elderly. This is in spite of the fact that the research also shows a third of the survey respondents plan to visit their older relatives over Christmas.

Many of those older people have been widowed, and can find themselves isolated or vulnerable. Christmas can be a really difficult time for them – highlighting their own loneliness amid the seasonal bustle going on around them.

Contact the Elderly have been working tirelessly for over 50 years in an effort to combat social isolation and loneliness among older people. They have a network of volunteers across the UK who support the elderly in their local communities, providing everything from cake and cuppa, to support and friendship.

This year, Contact the Elderly have joined forces with charity Community Christmas whose mission is to ensure ‘No older person should be alone on Christmas Day unless they want to be.’ Together they aim to provide real help to lift those older people out of isolation, and strengthen communities to support each other throughout the year, as well as at Christmas.

Community Christmas has an easy to use search facility on their website to help with finding all of the Christmas Day events in any given local area. The listings are updated weekly and have plenty of information around time, location and directions. Many events are free or suggest a small donation and list transport availability as well as whether volunteers are needed.

Help isn’t just for Christmas either – Contact the Elderly organise their Sunday afternoon tea parties throughout the year. If you’d like to find out more about events in your local area or how you can help either of these worthwhile charities, visit the Community Christmas and Contact the Elderly websites.

No one should go hungry at Christmas

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Christmas is traditionally a time for giving and spending time with loved ones. And there are few things that truly capture the festive spirit better than enjoying Christmas dinner together.

Unfortunately, this isn’t a luxury that everyone can enjoy, and this is especially true for many homeless people. Christmas can be an incredibly lonely time, and those on the street often find themselves isolated, with no one to turn to.

Official figures released earlier this year show that homelessness has risen across England for the seventh year in a row. However, there are charities and organisations trying to help tackle homelessness and support those less fortunate. At this time of year in particular, there’s plenty you can do to help support those in need, including buying them Christmas dinner.

Centre Point and Social Bite both run initiatives to buy a homeless person Christmas dinner. On their websites you’ll find more information about how you can help, details of how to make a regular donation, and examples of the incredible work both organisations do.

Or, perhaps you’re looking for an advent calendar with a difference this year? You could take part in a reverse advent calendar, by collecting an item a day in the lead up to Christmas and then donating them to a foodbank. Head over to The Trussell Trust’s website to find out where your local foodbank is and the types of thing they currently need.

Other well-known charities such as Shelter and the Big Issue Foundation provide support for homeless people, as well as local charities in your area. Any donation to these causes, big or small, can help support the great work they do, and it can help try to ensure that no one goes hungry this Christmas.

Make a list, check it twice – is your Christmas food shop naughty or nice?

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With less than eight weeks to go until Christmas (sorry we just HAD to mention it!) many of us are already thinking about what we need to buy ahead of the big day. Food shopping for the festive season can be a headache, but we’ve provided some useful tips to help you avoid a last minute trolley-dash, whilst making your hard-earned cash go further.

Compare

Let’s face it, the Christmas food shop can be the most expensive of the year and more often than not, we end up with a list longer than we’d like. Try a handy comparison website like MySupermarket to see where the best deals are for maximising your food budget. Simply type in your shopping list and the website will compare your shopping basket against the major supermarkets before telling you where your total overall shop will be cheapest. It also alerts you if you could save money by swapping to another item.

Stock up

Don’t be afraid to stockpile the non-perishable items well ahead of the big day. Spread the cost over a number of weeks to take advantage of any pre-Christmas offers and avoid that last minute panic the week before Christmas at the same time! Items such as crackers, cranberry sauce, and the all-important Christmas pudding can be bought well in advance – just try not to eat them too soon! 

Get a discount

There are many discount codes and vouchers available both online and in store, although it may take a bit of time to look for them. Check the free magazines you find in store, and cashback websites which can also be a great place to get money back from even your normal spending. It’s also worth asking your employer if they offer an employee benefits portal. You may be able to get a discount on your supermarket shop, but if not, there are plenty of other websites you can choose from – maybe for buying Christmas gifts. You could even consider putting the money you save towards your Christmas budget for next year!

Start saving for next year

Once the festive food has been bought (and if you’ve got the stomach for it!), start thinking about your Christmas budget for next year. If you can set aside a small monthly amount to save, even £25 a month from January – October could give you a £250 boost. Save as much as you can afford and it will take some of the strain off your pockets when Christmas rolls around next year!

Your own free will

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We all want to make sure that our wishes are respected once we’re gone, right? But, worryingly, almost two thirds of adults in the UK haven’t got a will.

Age UK and other well-known charities, including the British Heart Foundation and Marie Curie, have come together to help tackle this problem by offering free wills in October. Solicitors across England, Wales, and Northern Ireland have signed-up to Free Wills Month to offer people aged 55 or over a free ‘simple’ will writing service, which can include updating an existing will or drawing up a new one.

A will can explain what you want to happen when you’re no longer here, reduce the tax you pay, and make it easier for family and friends to deal with your estate. As well as allowing you to make sure that your estate goes to the people who matter most, you can also state any gifts or donations you want to make to charity.

Sorting out your will can be a difficult topic to talk about, let alone actively organise. But it can be one of the most important things you do for yourself and your family. And once it’s done, it will likely give you peace of mind too. It makes sense to check your Expression of Wish form while you’re organising your will to ensure that your pension provider knows who you’d like your pension to be left to should anything happen. Get in touch with your pension provider to find out more.

Head over to https://freewillsmonth.org.uk/ for details on how to find a participating solicitor in your area. But remember, appointments may be limited and it only runs during October!

Taking care of the grandkids and your State Pension

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The school term is well underway, those new uniforms are starting to fit a bit better and everyone is getting settled into a routine. Working parents will also be weaving together a complicated web of formal childcare combined with help from friends and family to cover the school run and after-school care. Pension planning falls off everyone’s priority list, as school costs and practicalities need immediate attention. However, there is a little-known National Insurance provision that could offer a bit of help to some of the unpaid army of grandparents, aunties and uncles helping out with childcare at any time of the year. And what better time to look into it than today, National Grandparents’ Day.

Entitlement to the State Pension is linked to an individual’s National Insurance record over their working-age lifetime. Employees and self-employed workers pay National Insurance contributions from their earnings. But for people claiming benefits due to illness or unemployment, National Insurance credits are instead available to maintain entitlement to the State Pension.

Many people have an incomplete National Insurance record for myriad reasons: gaps in paid employment, periods of earning below National Insurance thresholds, time spent living abroad, or early retirement or redundancy. An individual with an incomplete National Insurance record can pay voluntary National Insurance contributions in cash, buying their entitlement to a full State Pension with top-up payments before they reach State Pension age.

However, for some grandparents (and other family members who provide childcare) there may be another option. Formally known as the Specified Adult Childcare Credit, these National Insurance credits are transferrable from a main parent or carer to a grandparent or other family member who provides some childcare for a child under 12.

Child Benefit is available to anyone responsible for a child under 16 (or 20 if in education or training) and includes National Insurance credits for the parent or carer. It is these credits that may be available to transfer, as long as the original recipient doesn’t need them. In practice, childcare is often necessary because a main parent or carer is at work, and so is already making National Insurance contributions from their own earnings. This means that the main carer does not actually need the National Insurance credit that comes with Child Benefit, and so it can be transferred to someone else who does need it.

The National Insurance credit can be claimed by a wide variety of family members or their partners. It’s available for any week or part week of childcare, and for any number of weeks in a year. Applications can be back-dated to 2011, plugging a sizeable gap that might otherwise cost hundreds or even thousands of pounds in up-front voluntary contributions.

For anyone considering voluntary cash payments to plug gaps in an incomplete National Insurance record, completing a very simple form might provide a no-cost option to build a full State Pension entitlement.

The factsheet and form are available from the Department for Work and Pensions website, which also details the helpline number for questions about your own circumstances.

Save up to £2,000 a year on your childcare

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Are you a parent? Did you know that you might be able to save up to £2,000 a year on childcare if your child is under 12 (or under 17 if disabled)?¹

The Government’s Tax-Free Childcare scheme offers families support towards childcare costs of up to £2,000 per child (up to £4,000 if your child is disabled). The scheme adds 20p for every 80p you put in, effectively giving you back the 20% basic-rate tax on what you pay.

You can use the scheme to pay for childcare including nurseries, childminders, playgroups and after-school clubs. And you don’t need to use the money straight away either. You can build up credit to use when you need it most, like during school holidays.

To qualify, you, and your partner if you have one, must both be working, earning a minimum of £125.28 per week if you’re over 25 (the equivalent of 16 hours per week at the national living or minimum wage currently), and each earning less than £100,000 a year.

To find out more, take a look at the Childcare and parenting section of the Government’s website.

The Tax-Free Childcare scheme replaces the Childcare Vouchers system that closes to new applications on Thursday, 4 October 2018. For more information about childcare options visit https://www.gov.uk/browse/childcare-parenting/childcare.

¹www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/help-with-childcare-costs

Conquer the back to school chaos

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September is in touching distance, the kids are getting bored and you are rushing around the house rounding up the uniforms and buying the entire stationary aisle in your local newsagent. Yes, it’s that last minute attempt to prepare for the start of the school term!

Well fear not, we have some great tips to help you save the pennies and get the kids back to school with minimum dramas.

  1. Make a list – we all love a list, don’t we? It really helps to keep you on track, so why not try making a list for your back to school shopping too? Do your research online, see where the best deals are and make yourself a ‘non-negotiable’ list (if possible!).
  2. Leave it a little closer to term time to start your shopping – last minute shopping can often provide the best value for money, especially on uniforms and stationery.
  3. Don’t be a stranger to the ‘pound shop’ – we might not like to admit it, but we’ve all been in there! After all, pencils are pencils, right? Pound shops are also great for notepads, math sets, plastic containers and drinks bottles.
  4. Plan your travel arrangements – check if there’s a school bus which would help you out or perhaps a neighbour who you could share the school runs with.
  5. Buy some good quality shoes – this may cost you a little more upfront, but if you can afford it, a good pair of shoes can make it through the whole term, whereas fabric plimsolls or pumps may not even make it to half term.
  6. Check on study materials – do the kids need any specific study textbooks? If you’ve got relatives or friends with kids in the year above, you may be able to recycle some of the relevant books. If not, it would be worth checking out some online, secondhand booksellers.