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Walk All Over Cancer

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With spring just about here, it’s a great time to put your trainers on, stretch your legs and banish those winter blues. Cancer Research UK are encouraging us to “Show cancer who’s boss and join thousands of people across the world walking 10,000 steps every day in March to raise money for life-saving research.”

Our New Year’s resolutions may seem like a distant memory now, so a step challenge could be just what the doctor ordered. It can help us build up those good habits again and get out exploring our local area in (hopefully) some nice spring weather.

Cancer Research’s Walk All Over Cancer challenge could be just the thing to help motivate you to get those steps in and get outside for some fresh air and exercise. And raising money for such a worthy cause will give you an added boost of some feel-good factor too!

I think it’s pretty obvious from my phone screenshot that I, for one, need an extra push of motivation to make sure I leave the house every day… (shaking head emoji).

Walking can also have loads of health benefits – helping to boost your mental wellbeing, as well as your physical health. It can also improve your overall fitness, not to mention the endorphins released after exercise will leave you feeling great for the rest of the day. And in these strange times, it’s the perfect socially distanced activity too!

So why not sign-up and get your friends and family involved – maybe even get a bit of friendly competition going to keep things interesting? It could be for the greatest number of steps or the most money raised – check out Cancer Research’s dedicated fundraising site for some really good ideas.

Don’t worry if your phone doesn’t have a step counter already, there are loads of apps you can download to track your progress, including the NHS’s Active 10 app. You can sign-up here and let us know if you’re taking part by sharing your fundraising links in the comments below. Happy striding!

I just want to go to Soho on a Monday morning

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Before Miss Coronavirus embarked on an extensive world tour that would give even Cher a run for her money, my absolute favourite pastime was going to Soho on a Monday morning.

I’ve said this a few times by now to different people, and each time I’m met with a ‘Why Monday? Monday’s are the worst’ kind of look. Well, Mondays are actually the best.

If you get on the 14 bus around 10am, it’ll take you straight into Piccadilly once the morning commute has passed its peak. You can then slink off the bus and immediately get lost in the tiny side streets between China Town, Piccadilly and Soho. If you go in spring, the mornings are dewy, fresh and bright meaning it’s the perfect weather to sit in Golden Square and have an Oat cappuccino from the Veggie Pret on the corner dahhling.

I used to stop in at Fiorucci, browsing completely uninterrupted which made me feel like a celebrity, especially when the staff learned my name. If I wasn’t doing that, I’d peruse Good News Soho and buy one of their outrageous fashion and music magazines, or thumb through the records at Sister Ray and Reckless Records on Berwick Street.

The reason I’m telling you this is because it makes my soul so unbelievably happy.

I moved to London in the hopes of finding somewhere like Soho where I’d feel connected to the queer community. Historically, London has always embodied the queer spirit – from accommodating the Gateways Club (the world’s longest running lesbian nightclub -1936 to 1985) to the Blitz Kids in Covent Garden co-hosted by Steve Strange and Rusty Egan from 1979/80, and a whole lot more. London feels like the queer homecoming I’d always dreamed of. For me, a queer kid who grew up in the countryside, the capital represented the soul of gay liberation, and I wasn’t wrong by any stretch, but I was definitely wearing my rose-tinted glasses.

I’m still haunted by my first threatening homophobic encounter in London. In my experience, in the countryside it never got to a place of violence. You’d be called various names, bullied, maybe shoved, but it never got to a place where you’d be scared for your life. That doesn’t mean to say it can’t happen – hateful acts of ignorance can happen anywhere.

That very first time, I was thankfully with one of my best friends Sue, a trans girl from Derby, and another cis girlfriend whom we’d met at uni. I won’t go into details about the event, but we quickly found ourselves in a highly threatening situation in a very public space outnumbered by a group of guys. I’ve turned this over and over in my head for the three years since it happened, and two things stay firmly planted in my mind.

Number one – although it was probably mine and Sue’s obvious flamboyance that caught the lads attention, our girlfriend who had been with us was equally ‘in trouble.’ It made me realise that if these ignorant homophobes had no respect for queers, they most certainly didn’t have any respect for women either. In that moment I saw firsthand the solidarity between women and queer folk – shared experiences of belittling and terror that both parties have, out of necessity, become accustomed to. I am so grateful for the woman in my life, they have given me strength, inspiration and motivation to be the person I am today. Many women share our queer spirit and for that they are forever a part of our community.

Number two – as I previously mentioned, this was a VERY public place. Not one person who witnessed our encounter with the boys bat an eye. Not one of the many adults in the vicinity came to help or defend three 18 year olds in immediate danger. We were kids back then. It still makes me exhale heavily – I was so disappointed and disillusioned. Those rose-tinted glasses cracked that day.

I realise now these experiences have placed a hot pink fire in my soul which has ultimately made me embrace my queerness and non-binary identity louder and prouder than ever. The queer spirit is made of hardy stuff. It’s not to be underestimated.

As an ally what can you do?

First of all, to address the big rainbow elephant issue in this post. You don’t have to be superman and fly in and save the day when you see queer folk in danger. You could end up putting yourself and others in danger too. However, you have a responsibility as an ally to alert the authorities or step in if the situation can be managed without police enforcement. We still need support.

On a lighter note.

When the lockdown on our lives has finally been lifted, go to Soho on a Monday morning and soak up the queer energy the place has to offer. Go a few streets down and visit the plaque on Heddon Street where Bowie shot the cover for his infamous 1972 Ziggy Stardust album. Or travel a little further towards Warren Street and visit Gay’s The Word, an original LGBTQIA+ bookshop which has been standing strong in all its pride since 1979. Not to sound like an overplayed airlines advert, but you should really experience queer culture first hand, there’s nothing quite like it.

 

 

Becoming a better ally – I’m still learning too

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My son told me he was gay on the platform of Fulham Broadway while we were waiting for a tube into Central London.

There wasn’t any big lead up to his coming out. I wasn’t expecting it right there and then but I’d been anticipating the conversation for most of his life.

I often think back to that moment and remember the gentle sway of conversation – our usual back and forth, laughing, comfortable – probably a bit banal. In retrospect I wonder if that’s why he choose that exact point – because we were entirely at ease and maybe he thought things would never be quite the same again.

For me though, his quiet admission didn’t disrupt anything at all. It settled that final piece of my knowledge of him with a small, satisfying click. I was surprised to hear him ask me if it would change anything between us . . . “How could it?” I said – “I love you – I’ve always known.”

Showing up

I’m painfully aware this isn’t every queer person’s experience of coming out to their family. And it certainly wasn’t without challenge, prejudice and homophobia from the males in our own family. But like the ally I’d learned to be over the course of his childhood, I stood up, stepped in and spoke out.

Being an ally can be in equal parts easy and difficult. Throw into the mix being a parent too and you can imagine the confrontational situations you suddenly find yourself in. Staring unflinchingly into the eyes of complete strangers who openly laugh at your child. Questioning what right those groups of adolescents have to threaten and insult him. Challenging your close friends and family members to address their unconscious bias and re-educate themselves.

It’s not about you

The complicated conversations with people you’d just assumed would be gay ok are difficult, let alone living with a constant undercurrent of homophobic violence, and fear for your queer people’s safety. I’ve had to learn to live with both and they cause me a great deal of anxiety. Of course it’s nothing compared to what LGBTQIA+ people are exposed to and have to navigate every day.

Being a true ally isn’t easy when you’re afraid. I once made the mistake of asking my son to consider wearing a hat to cover up his bright pink buzzcut, and swap his skirt and platforms for something that would attract less attention on his commute through London. He refused of course, explaining to me that his queerness was in the way he walked, talked and everything about him, transcending more than just his outward appearance. I’ve never asked him to change himself to suit other people since.

Start with love

The easy part has always been from a personal perspective – understanding and developing my own relationship with the queer folk in my life. Whether that’s been celebrating with friends as they committed to each other in a civil partnership before gay marriage was even legalised, or providing a safe haven so my kids could grow into their best authentic selves (read: supporting my son’s choice to wear cherry-red Mary Janes at nursery and painting his toenails sparkling silver every summer, although I do reserve the right to stop him talking about Mariah Carey on every. Single. Facetime call . . .)

First steps

This is what I’ve learned on my own personal journey to becoming a better ally. Of course, I can’t speak for everyone and I’m definitely still learning!

Accept and support – unconditionally. Acceptance starts at home and the little things on a daily basis will make all the difference to your queer family – be mindful of your language, be inclusive and non-judgemental.

Defend and protect – while I don’t advocate putting yourself in danger, defending your queer folk against homophobic insult and attack is vital – they need to know you’re on their side!

Question and challenge – try to become aware of unconscious bias and challenge it. No-one wants a belligerent person making accusatory comments so make sure you know what you’re talking about and always educate with kindness.

Educate yourself – if you don’t know the right terms for things or the pronouns your queer folk have chosen – ask! If your questions come from a place of respect and love they won’t mind you asking.

Bear in mind just because you know one queer person, doesn’t necessarily mean you have an understanding of the whole community. Listen to podcasts, familiarise yourself with important gay history such as Stonewall and the Gay Liberation Front and keep up to date with current news concerning LGBTQIA+ issues like the Black Trans Lives Matter protests as part of the Black Lives Matter movement.

And finally…

Support where you can

Read more and get involved

These are some of my current favourites

Listen and watch

“Category is: Body ody ody”

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Close your eyes and imagine this: I’m sitting in the Chelsea branch of Gail’s on a crisp winter morning writing this blog post on my MacBook. I have a skinny oat latte and a banana, because although the pastries look delicious, they’re not gluten free and I bloat at even the sight of wheat. I’m wearing a skinny jersey turtleneck and my Fiorucci Tara jeans cinched in at my tiny waist to emphasise just how much weight I’ve lost.

Girl. As if.

In reality, I’m crunched up on my bed looking down past my triple chin at my six year old HP laptop that took 30 minutes to turn on. I’ve eaten half a packet of biscuits with my morning ‘value’ filter coffee, and I’m in my pants and my favourite Oxfam bargain cardigan.

And just for the record, EVEN in my fantasy, I couldn’t resist a Gail’s pastry. They’re just too good.

We all have a fantasy, but they’re fickle, often equal parts aspirational and destructive. We need to manage our expectations.

Something I find so deeply problematic in the LGBTQIA+ community is the persistent need to categorise, label and define, particularly when it comes to our bodies. For a community that’s ‘all accepting,’ we can be anything but. Some of our queer specific dating apps are designed to make us ultimately isolate one another. They promote internalised homophobia, transphobia, racism and body shaming. I’ve come across profiles that say ‘No Fats, No Femmes, No Blacks and No Asians.’ It’s disgusting, do we really hate ourselves that much?

The ‘Tribes’ that these apps promote facilitate and spawn further notions of self-loathing. Twinks, Jocks, Bears, Otters, Femmes… to name a few, are categories that define aspects of our physicality. For example, if you’re a twink, you’re typically skinny, blonde and shaved head to toe. If you’re a bear, you’re muscular, brunette and hairy head to toe. I could go on.

For me as a non-binary (he/his/they/them) individual I often feel that I don’t fit into any category, and quite frankly I don’t want to. In saying this, you sometimes can’t help but let the small minded people that operate within these suffocating tribes get the best of you.

There have been times where I’ve tried to ‘masc it up’ to try and hide my natural flamboyance and femininity. I tried to grow out my facial hair in an effort to fit in with the Bears and Otters. I’ve dressed subtle on first dates to appear less… gay? It doesn’t make sense and only leads to dizzying feelings of dysphoria.

Feeling dysphoric about our bodies is not breaking news by any stretch, and it doesn’t just apply to the LGBTQIA+ community. There are often many similarities in the way that queer men and cis women view their bodies for example. However, although us gays, girlies and our bodies are important, there needs to be more love, attention and support for trans bodies.

For decades now, trans folk and their bodies have been misunderstood, ridiculed and alienated. In 2020 and 2021 this is a bigger issue than ever.

Last year The Trevor Project, a non-profit organisation who specialise in suicide prevention among the LGBTQIA+ community, reported that 60% of young trans and non-binary individuals engage in self harm, and 40% of those surveyed seriously contemplated ending their own lives. Imagine then throughout history, how many undocumented transgender and gender non-conforming people we’ve lost. It’s harrowing.

In 2021 as the pandemic continues, this may prove harder than usual for trans youth as many will be isolated from their community, safe places and support systems. Home isn’t always a safe place either when there is still so much misinformation and misunderstanding surrounding transgender bodies.

As an ally, what can you do to help?

Do your research. Educate yourself. Donate.

Listen to podcasts like ‘NB: My Non-Binary Life’ by the BBC. Check out the Mermaids UK organization for their amazing charity work for trans and non-binary youth. Google Munroe Bergdorf and read about her story.

Check yourself too. The thing I hate hearing THE MOST when people are referring to my trans brothers and sisters is: ‘Oh, they’re a man but really they’re a woman’ and vice versa. Or ‘I would’ve never thought they were a guy before! They’re so feminine.’ This kind of attitude towards the trans community is super disruptive and leads to more feelings of dysphoria. Treat trans people with respect. I can’t speak for the entirety of the trans community, but they don’t need your validation on whether or not they’re ‘passing.’

If you’re unsure how a trans or non-binary person identifies, you can politely ask them, just make sure it’s in a private and non-threatening tone and environment. In addition, if you accidentally use the wrong pronouns (yes, especially if it’s in a group setting) immediately correct yourself and correct others too.

Yours sincerely, a non-binary badass.

It’s time to talk about mental health

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Many of us are finding things a little harder to deal with right now and one thing we can all take from the pandemic is just how seriously we need to consider mental health issues. Too long considered a taboo subject, mental health awareness is becoming more apparent than ever.

According to research carried out by the Mental Health Foundation, “Key indicators of distress among UK adults – including loneliness, suicidality and not coping well with stress – are worse now than at the start of the pandemic”.

Whether you’ve suffered with mental health issues or not, we can’t ignore the impact they’re having on so many of us anymore.

Prince William, a well-known advocate for raising the awareness of mental health, filmed a BBC documentary following his campaign to get men talking, in which former professional footballer Marvin Sordell speaks about his battle with depression and how he struggled to overcome this, culminating in trying to take his own life.

Fearne Cotton, now an ambassador for Mind, first publicly spoke of her depression in 2017. She has gone on to publish several mental health books, launched a podcast and set up a virtual mental health festival. She’s also a dedicated supporter of Time to Talk Day and other major campaigns.

Matt Haig’s book, Reasons to stay alive, details his own story of dealing with crisis, illness and learning to live again. He talks about his own experience with depression and ways of dealing with it.

The popular Netflix series 13 Reason Why, ITV’s Britain Get Talking campaign, the lyrics to Don Diablo’s Kill Me Better, the list could go on… mental health is the message people want to highlight right now.

The recurring theme throughout is how important it is to talk openly about mental health, but with 60% of those with a mental health problem waiting over a year to tell the people closest to them about it, is enough being done?

Time to change is raising awareness of mental health and want to ensure everyone can access help and support when they need it. As part of their ongoing work they’ve been running Time to Talk Day since 2014, to get us talking and changing lives. Taking place on Thursday 4 February, they encourage us all to be a part of it to help end mental health discrimination.

We might not be able to talk face to face at the moment, but it doesn’t mean we can’t all make a difference. Time to change will be holding a first ever virtual festival, consisting of a day of online activities you can join from home. The festival will cover the serious matters of talking about mental health, but also some more light hearted activities, cooking, yoga, Bollywood dancing – there’s something for everyone.

Maybe you’re looking to learn about mental health and how to help someone cope? Time to Change shares tips on how to talk about mental health, along with regular local events you can get involved in.  Taking just a few minutes out of your day could change someone else’s.

If you’re worried about your own, or someone else’s mental health, it’s important to remember you’re not alone. Visit the Time to Change website for organisations who can support you.

“A little consideration, a little thought for others, makes all the difference.” – Eeyore, A.A. Milne.

“And if you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else. Can I get an Amen up in here?”

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In the first of three blogs highlighting LGBT+ history month guest blogger Keane Spenlé focuses on the queer mind.

Keane is a songwriter, musician and activist who performs under the pseudonym Søren – his/their queerness is at the centre of everything they do.

The gays: gurus of being fabulous, the gatekeepers of self-acceptance and definitely your only friend worth asking whether or not those Zara slingback heels would be too promiscuous for your date with Mark from IT on Thursday evening.

We’re often seen as a shoulder to cry on, the person you vent to, or the pal you drag along to the shops for some serious retail therapy.

Hunny. Although I’d really love to be your Damien from Mean Girls, or your super attractive but in a late 80‘s George Michael kind of way, best friend, I’m exhausted.

Thanks to RuPaul, the community slogan has become the glorified “If you can’t love yourself…” mantra. Once a very important reminder, it now serves as a global invitation that the LGBTQIA+ community has got it together, and have an endless capacity to deal with your self-loathing and insecurities as well as our own.

I’m joking of course, but truly, this self-love thing takes time. Historically, it has taken time and many people and institutions have made a point of disrupting this journey in order to push us further towards the outside.

As Mariah Carey might say ‘not to be bleak darling’ but every letter of our community acronym is being discriminated against daily. Someone that might be taking two steps forward may be tormented into taking another ten back. Our learning to love ourselves is pretty extreme as it goes.

For me, it took 16 years to admit to myself that I was bisexual, another two years to admit that I was gay, and a further three years to be comfortable as non-binary. Just to be clear, this is not everyone’s journey, and these labels aren’t gateways to and from one another, it’s personal.

My point is, we’re already conditioned to think that representing any letter of LGBTQIA+ is wrong, it takes years of rewiring your mind to make it make sense. For some of our predecessors it never did make sense. They didn’t have the luxury of assessing their mental health and watching queer positive tv shows, musicians and powerful figures talking about their own queer experience.

I think of cultural icons like Little Richard, a queer black man, who had to sanitise his image, lyrics and performances in order to garner any measure of success or recognition. Over his lifetime he would ‘come out’ and then retreat back into ‘The Closet’ in fear of the constant discrimination that followed him from the 1950’s up until last year when he passed away. For someone so deeply troubled he inspired so many, from Bowie through to Freddie and later Lady Gaga. It goes to show that even ‘cultural icons’ are not exempt from the harsh realities that queer people are accustomed to.

The notion that we, the queer community, all love ourselves unconditionally is a beautiful rainbow fantasy I’d love to believe in, but the same goes for all of humanity.

Some days I wake up, throw on my Juicy Couture, snakeskin trench coat and my signature £7 lipgloss and feel content with who I have become. I have the mental strength to face the world and it’s adversity with a strong strut and an award winning lip sync (under my mask of course) to ‘Toxic’ by Miss Britney Spears. Other days I wake up with a strong sense of dread and a bubbling anxious energy underneath the surface of my skin that I can’t seem to brush off as hard as I try. Loving yourself isn’t a badge you earn and get to keep forever, it’s a constant effort to uphold and maintain, and that’s tough but worth the struggle.

I had the thought only the other day, as I was strutting along in all my non-binary finery, that if I were in America during the late sixties prior to the Stonewall Riots, I would have been arrested for wearing practically anything I own in my closet right now. It reminded me of our privilege as queer people today and that although at times it’s difficult, we’ve made and continue to make progress. Furthermore, we’re lucky.

As an ally, what can you do to help?

We learnt last year that educating yourself is more important than ever, it is not the duty of ANY minority group to educate YOU on their community. If you’re reading this blog post you’re already well on your way, and so for that I say thank you, well done and can confirm you’re super chic and gay ok. Checking in on your friends and their mental health is paramount, particularly during the pandemic. I’d just ask you to spare a thought for your queer friends too – homophobia, transphobia and wider ignorance doesn’t disappear just because we’re in a pandemic, or in a Patricia as I now like to call it.

For more information on LGBT+ History Month visit their website: https://lgbtplushistorymonth.co.uk/

Reading – a window into wellbeing

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Reading and wellbeing go hand in hand and it’s something we’re passionate about in the 4meWorld team. As we go into a new year where looking after yourself is more important than ever, we wanted to share some of our favourite wellbeing reads with you.

Sam recommends The unexpected joy of being sober – Catherine Gray

Discovering a happy, healthy, wealthy alcohol-free life

Catherine Gray’s book, The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober, details her battle with problem drinking in a warm and light-hearted manner. While I don’t have a bad relationship with alcohol, I did feel the tips for cutting down consumption definitely resonated with me.

Gray discusses how much more enriched her life has become without alcohol and the book is packed full of facts for the ‘sober curious’.  It also signposts some great wellness social media accounts for those who want to live life a little more clear headed.

What I also found interesting was how many celebrities I didn’t know are teetotal, from Zac Efron to Brad Pitt. Sobriety doesn’t seem to have done them any harm!

The book may not have convinced me to go completely sober (at the time of writing), but when reaching for the next drink I’ve been left asking myself ‘Do you really need another’?

 

Max recommends Think like a monk – Jay Shetty (Audible version)

You don’t have to be a monk, to think like one

If ever we needed some actual practical help to calm our minds, increase resilience and cope with escalating levels of anxiety, it’s now! And for me, turning to the wisdom and experience of Jay Shetty in these dark days has made all the difference.

In his book Think like a monk, Jay offers inspirational insight into the often intense, conceptual lessons he learned during his time as a monk. And though it’s interesting to follow his journey to enlightenment, joy and mental freedom, the real jewel is his ability to apply what he learned to the daily mental exercises and advice he shares, and which we can all benefit from.

If you want to delve into and build your own hidden power, reduce stress, learn how to forgive yourself and others, release your mind from endless negativity or even just discover a bit of self-love, this book is a great first step. And if you’d like the enhanced experience of hearing these wise words straight from Jay himself, I’d highly recommend you curl up on the sofa with a cup of tea and listen to the Audible version so Jay’s words of wisdom can wash soothingly over you.

While I’m usually a fan of cover to cover reading so I can lose myself in the narrative, this book lends itself really well to return visits. You’ll find new cherries worth picking as well as those which become fruitful staples on your path to greater joy and a life filled with purpose.

In the spirit of well wishing, I’ll leave you with one of Jay’s many inspirational quotes: “Let’s not make happiness and success about the size of our homes, but about the size of our hearts; let’s not make it about gratification but gratitude.”

 

Rachel recommends No such thing as normal – Bryony Gordon

What my mental illness has taught me about mental wellness

In Bryony Gordon’s latest book No such thing as Normal, she uses her own experience of mental illness to compile a practical, compassionate guide to mental wellbeing. As a person who lives with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (commonly known as OCD) and anxiety, I found this book refreshing, relatable and most of all helpful to my situation. Bryony isn’t afraid to talk about difficult issues and her chapter on Lockdown and its effects on our mental health is particularly poignant.

Bryony helps the reader put in place a practical plan to help them look after their mental health – including an incredibly detailed chapter on how to get help and what to expect when you make the brave decision to take that step.

I came away from this book feeling mentally stronger and I’ve since used some of Bryony’s tips and analogies to help me in times of struggle or uncertainty.

 

Sam recommends Love imperfect things – Haemin Sunim

How to accept yourself in a world that’s striving for perfection!

I came across this simply written, calming book in January last year. I can’t remember how I actually came to know about it, but I’m glad I found it. This book probably won’t tell you anything you haven’t heard before but even still, it made me reflect on my own life; the facades I present to the world, my capacity for empathy, pride, failure, and acceptance during life’s ups and downs.

The book, written by a Buddhist monk, is packed with wisdom and illustrated with real life stories on topics like career, relationships, and stress. Reading it was like being wrapped in a warm blanket – it somehow made me feel more happy, peaceful and content. I think it’s a book I’ll always keep on my shelf.

 

Allan recommends The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment – Eckhart Tolle

Living in the now is the truest path to happiness and enlightenment.

This book really struck a chord with all we’re going through just now. Eckhart Tolle encourages us to really appreciate the present moment and spend less time worrying about what might (or probably won’t) happen in the future.

During lockdown I know I’ve been guilty of letting my mind wander and worry about things I’ve no control over. The Power of Now explains how to enjoy the space we’re in, be present and enjoy what we’ve got right in front of us. He encourages us to really experience the moment, because in a second it’s gone and you won’t have the chance to enjoy it again.

 

We’d love to hear from you – what books have you been reading to boost your wellbeing? Let us know in the comments below!

Dry January – swap your cocktails for mocktails!

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It’s safe to say things are tough at the moment, and the thought of giving up one of life’s small pleasures for the whole of January might feel like the last thing you want to do right now. But taking part in Dry January is a great way to rest and reset your body and mind.

According to Alcohol Change and the Royal Free Hospital, there are lots of benefits of giving up alcohol for a month:

  • 70% of people reported better sleeping habits.
  • It can reduce blood pressure.
  • Giving up alcohol for 30 days can lower cholesterol.
  • 86% of people participating saved money over the month.

If you’re participating in Dry January 2021, but stuck for ideas when it comes to choosing a Friday night tipple, why not try one of our five favourite alcohol-free recipes?

While the evenings are dark and cold, sometimes there’s nothing nicer than curling up on the sofa with a cup of tea. As an alternative, why not try this warming Chai tea recipe?

Not everyone loves a cocktail (or wants a cup of tea in the evening!), so luckily, alcohol free beers, spirits and wine are now widely available if you still fancy the taste of your favourite drink, without the alcohol.

Giving up alcohol for the month isn’t easy, especially given the current climate, but by taking part in Dry January you’re being kind to your body and mind.

If you’re already taking part, let us know how you’re getting on? What’s your alcohol-free drink of choice? We’d love to hear in the comments below!

21 wins for 2021

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New Year’s resolutions, make them? Hate them? Break them?

According to YouGov, 28% of people who made New Year’s resolutions this time last year failed to stick to any of them. While this isn’t surprising, it’s safe to say 2020 has been a year like no other and many of us can’t wait for it to be over. While I’m hoping for a brighter and better 2021, I’m making a resolution NOT to make New Year’s resolutions this year.

Instead, in 2021 I’m going to focus on 21 that are likely to increase my wellbeing and give my mental health a boost:

  1. Go on a short daily walk, being mindful of my surroundings.
  2. Read a book that I loved in my childhood.
  3. Show my unfinished craft projects some love.
  4. Take time for myself as often as possible.
  5. Watch films that make me happy.
  6. Take part in the 1p savings challenge.
  7. Build myself a self-care routine.
  8. Organise my at-home workspace.
  9. Go for regular runs.
  10. Have daily time away from screens and technology.
  11. Write down the things I’m grateful for.
  12. Check in with friends and family regularly.
  13. Borrow a friend’s dog and go for regular walks.
  14. Try a new sport.
  15. Create an at-home spa day.
  16. Have a picnic lunch.
  17. Try out new recipes and create my own takeaway.
  18. Send a written letter to a loved one.
  19. Prioritise my sleep.
  20. Focus on the things that bring me joy.
  21. Spend more time outside.

These 21 small wins will remind me to focus on my wellbeing and encourage me to be kind to myself. 2020 has been hard enough for us all, so remember to take time for those little things in your life that spark joy and try not to sweat about goal setting for 2021.

What things are you celebrating this year? Let us know in the comments below.

 

Stress doesn’t isolate during a pandemic

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The temperature is dropping, the nights are drawing darker and winter is on its way. The clocks going back at least gives us an extra hour in bed, yet many just want this year to be over.

“Almost one in five adults were likely to be experiencing some form of depression during the coronavirus (COVID-19) pandemic in June 2020” just one of many distressing facts from the Office for National Statistics regarding mental health during the COVID-19 pandemic. 

The statistics go on to highlight that “Feeling stressed or anxious was the most common way adults experiencing some form of depression felt their well-being was being affected.”

Stress is common place in life, whether it’s small doses motivating you to reach your goals, or it’s become overwhelming and potentially harmful to your wellbeing.

In any normal year dealing with stress can be, well… stressful. It speaks volumes that there is a week dedicated to helping us handle stress.  2020, however, is no normal year.  This is a year where we made the home our office, acted as substitute teachers to our children and had to endure seeing our loved ones through windows and screens. 

How are we meant to cope with stress during a time when each day is more unpredictable than the last?  Take a look at my tips to help you keep on top of stress during the pandemic:

Keep active

Exercise can be a great way of not only keeping your body active, but also your mind.

That doesn’t mean you need to spend hours in the gym or running marathons, but your mind will also benefit if you can set aside some time every day for some form of physical activity. 

A high octane workout not your thing? Maybe some yoga, meditation or simply a walk – all of these can help relieve stress.

Sing

Hear me out on this one (not literally as singing isn’t my forte) – singing, or listening to music has been known to greatly relieve stress.

Think of all the times you’ve had a song stuck in your head, it’s pretty difficult to think of anything else!

Even if it’s only for a couple of minutes a day, relax, pop some music on and maybe even have a singalong.  Can anyone really stay stressed singing along with the Backstreet Boys?

Take a break

The boundary between your work and home life is probably a bit blurred at the moment, so it’s important to make sure work doesn’t take over. Take the same breaks from work as you would if you were in the office.

Just five minutes away from your desk to stretch your legs and step outside can work wonders.

Connect with people

Keeping in touch with the people we love is important for our mental wellbeing. With lockdown, self-isolating and many other new rules put in place, it only seems fitting that the most streamed song of 2020 starts with the lyrics “I been on my own for long enough” as I’m sure that’s how many of us are feeling. 

While we can’t all meet face to face, we have many other ways of keeping in touch right at our fingertips – pick up the phone, send a quick text or maybe even go live on webcam.  We don’t need to feel alone and keeping in touch regularly with friends, family and colleagues can help ease feeling of isolation and loneliness. 

Who knows, you could even make ‘webcam Wednesday’ a thing!

Challenge yourself

Are you up for a challenge? Maybe there’s something you’ve always wanted to do but have never got around to, like learning a new language, an instrument or maybe finally putting together that 40,000 piece jigsaw puzzle. 

Taking up a new challenge can help you focus on something else. I personally completed my first half marathon in lockdown and even though the race was virtual, my sense of achievement was not.

Look after yourself

At times like these, it can be easy to take up a few unhealthy habits.  Excessive drinking or smoking might provide temporary relief but they will only enhance your stress levels in the long run.

Try to maintain a healthy, balanced diet, make sure you drink enough water and get plenty of sleep. 

Talk about it

Pandemics aren’t something we’re used to dealing with, so it’s normal to feel stressed.

Talking to others about how you feel can be beneficial for you and maybe them as well. Whether it’s a friend, work colleague, family member or a professional, having someone to talk to can help you to feel less stressed about it all.

You can find information on the NHS website if you feel you need some extra support.

The pursuit of happiness (at work)

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On average we spend almost 40 hours of every week at work. With such a large percentage of our lives spent working it makes sense to try to make sure we’re as happy as we can be while we’re there. The International Week of Happiness at Work website tells us, “When you’re happy, you’re healthier, more vital, more cheerful, more social and more successful.”

Some studies have shown the key to being happy at work is resilience. Resilience is broadly defined as the ability to bounce back and adapt to hardships and set-backs. At work, resilient people are better able to deal with the demands placed on them, especially where those demands might mean dealing with constantly changing priorities or a heavy workload.

How do we become more resilient?
We’ve all been there – getting annoyed at something or feeling stressed at work. It’s completely natural, but it’s how we manage these feelings that can be really beneficial.

A healthy overall lifestyle can help – plenty of exercise and a healthy diet, but the key to greater happiness at work is becoming more resilient in the face of adversity. Developing an awareness of what we can and can’t control can help us manage how we feel and in turn build resilience.

In his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey identifies the circle of control, the circle of concern and circle of influence. He highlights that proactive people focus on what they can do and can influence (circles of control and influence) rather than focusing all their energy on things beyond their control (circle of concern). This can help avoid feelings of victimisation and blame.

Covey believes reframing things we’re annoyed about, seeing them as challenges to be embraced and focusing on what we can control, will actually enable us to make effective changes. And if you do this you’ll find your circle of influence starts to increase – others will see you as an effective person.

Getting social
Just as important as taking positive actions to address problems is developing relationships with others – cherish social support and don’t be afraid to ask for help. You may not have direct influence over something you’re concerned about, but you may know people who do. Your team can have a wider circle of influence than you as an individual so build those communication skills – they really are important.

As well as building your support network you should also set goals, both individually and as a team. This also helps improve transparency and communication within the team. And celebrate reaching your goals, give yourself the credit you deserve and recognise your achievements.

Something on your mind
Mindfulness, amongst its many benefits, can also help build resilience. An awareness of the moment can help you stay present and manage your reaction to challenges.

Mindfulness doesn’t need to be 90 minutes of meditation, it can be as simple as taking a minute to pay more attention to the present moment and to your own thoughts and feelings. Apps like Headspace and Calm have loads of mindfulness exercises to suit you and your lifestyle.

What do you think the key to happiness at work is? Share your hints and tips in the comments below.

Show yourself some kindness

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I was chatting with a good friend from uni a couple of days ago, when she mentioned she’d been asking herself some big life questions and worrying about them. Should she go backpacking instead of building a career, and if not now, when? Is she even in the right industry? Should she be looking for a long-term relationship, like most of our other friends?  

At times it can really seem that everyone else has a plan whilst you’re still drifting along with no clear direction. I’m sure the expectation to have ‘ticked things off the list’ by a certain time or age  – graduating, saving for a house, getting engaged or having children for example – can resonate with most people.

This got me thinking. I’d spent a bit of time reassuring her that no-one has a concrete plan, despite the pressure to be following one, and you can only do what feels best for you at the time. It didn’t take much on my part to show her some kindness . . .

This isn’t particularly ground-breaking – but our chat was a real positive mood booster for her. It made me consider how easily we’re able to be kind to others, yet find it much harder to be kind to ourselves.

So often we’re our own toughest critic – whether it’s tied up in making progress at work, the way we look, friendships or other relationships. Sometimes we say things to ourselves we’d never dream of saying to other people, so maybe next time you hear the negative internal monologue, take note and ask yourself –

How could I be a little kinder to myself?

Positive affirmations are a really popular way to train your brain to think positively. Our brains think the things we tell ourselves are true, and we can use this to improve our wellbeing and change our mental outlook.

A great positive affirmation I’ve seen online relates to body image. Try replacing ‘I have chunky unattractive legs’ with ‘I have strong legs that allow me to walk, run, and get the most out of life’.

And in the middle of this pandemic, I’m encouraging myself to replace ‘I am unfocused and not giving my best performance’ with ‘I am doing my best to get through a pandemic and working in a way that is best for me’.

It seems everyone I follow on Instagram has been baking loaf upon loaf of banana bread, embarking on new fitness regimes, and staying in touch with friends over a string of Zoom quizzes. I’ve decided to be kind to myself and remember this isn’t a true reflection of people’s everyday lives. Lockdown isn’t a competition to see who can be most productive.

The way we treat ourselves has a huge impact on our mental health, and so, in reflection of this year’s theme of kindness, I want to remind everyone how important it is to be kind to yourself.